Friday and Saturday I spent most of the day in bed, unable to really move. Today I was operating at like a 4/10, which made me want to sing off of roof tops. I don't know how/when I'm going to pay for this, especially since I'm running on no sleep, but damn it was awesome. After a drive with the windows down, soaking in the air, I was ready to really start the day!
Sticks
Seriously, that girlfriend of his is pretty darn awesome.
It's been awhile since I've felt up to it, but today a client was running late and I felt great so we fit a quick class in!!
I know it seems strange, but there is something so freeing about Escrima/Kali/Filipino Combat Systems. I tthink I took to it because of my years in Drill Team doing short flags. It's just something I really like doing--swinging sticks through the air and making sense. It's like a dance. The safety dance. Not too long ago, I got to watch Inosanto teach it, twice. I still think of the classic Inosanto 21 foot rule demostration of knife vs. gun whenever I practice. It's really my slice of heaven and it felt so amazing to practice again. It felt so amazing to have the strength to!
After watching him train his student, we even went for a walk. It seems so small, but baby steps.
Overall it was an overwhelmingly good day, but I can't help but have one thing eat at me. I've become incredibly empathetic and it's so weird.
Throwing Stones
Sometimes I really miss being an asshole.
Oddly, before EDS I would've torn then a new one and I couldn't have given a hoot about anyone wanting to use alternative medicine. I am almost done with my PhD, I spend my life doing research, and I know most holistic medicine isn't supported by the research. But that doesn't mean anyone else should. And suddenly I find myself sensitive to that fact.
I guess I deserve it a bit. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" right? We like to throw stones around on the Internet. I guess I partly feel I need to make up for being an asshole and throw myself in the way to catch those stones before anyone accidentally throws one.
It's strange how much having openly chronic pain can change you. I've had this pain my entire life, but I kept it to bottled, so tight, so close to me that I became angry. I became so angry that I took it out on people on the Internet. If this happens to find its way to one of those people, I'm truly sorry. Well, to most of you. Some of you were assholes yourselves. (I'm not a saint guys.)
Finally, I had another realization.
Things really aren't that bad. Things aren't that big of a deal. Seriously.
It's the Internet. It's some people I will never meet and never care about. Let it go.
I've decided I need to always remember Steven and get through the day.
In my 20s, we always had parties. We had this friend. We'll call him Steve.
Whenever he would get really really drunk, he'd start jerking his gerkin.
Didn't matter who was around, what he was doing. It was like his security thing.
Some people suck their thumb, he jerks it. Sometimes with lube, sometimes none.
We got really sick of it one time...and by we, I mean me (Asshole, remember?)
I was over it.
So this time, I offered him some lotion...
...and I handed him IcyHot.
Picture a 20-something skinny blonde white boy
sitting in snow
crying that his balls were hot and cold at the same time
naked
as we hosed him down
in the middle of an Alaskan winter.
He never did it again.
If Steve could survive that,
I can get through today.
No matter what.
My balls aren't on fire and frozen in the snow.
Life is pretty grand.
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