Seeking purpose

This post has been a long time coming. I haven't posted in some time simply because I have been afraid of actually putting this into words. If I write this, it becomes real and I have to deal with it.

100% honesty? Recently I've been an insanely positive person, but I'm starting to wane. I really miss working. Working gives me a purpose in life. I feel so lost without a good job. I find myself keeping strange hours, spending a lot of time lost in thought. Yes, I have also been extremely ill and have bad some major flareups, but I can't help but wonder if the flareups would be less if I had some direction and purpose in life. Right now I feel purpose-less. I feel less than. No one seems to want me to work for them. I have all of this talent and cannot use it.

To make matters even more frustrating, as I mentioned, the flareups are getting worse. I seem to be spending more and more time in the ER. I seem to be on an increasing number of medication. This image is of just my morning pills. Seriously. Just the morning ones. Not to mention the fentanyl patch. Oh and the possible nerve ablations I'm still considering.

Anyway, what this comes down to is everyone, even my therapist, thinks I need to also be applying for disability, based on the current path my myriad of disorders is taking. Sure, that is just to help supplement things. It doesn't mean I can't ever work again, but that it's not likely things will be miraculously getting better. That, alone, is such a grim thought. Why did I go to school? Why am I completing my degree?

My degree. Let's talk about that too. Not only did I have to withdraw last semester, I am having so many issues trying to even attend. I am going to have to enlist disability services to help me. I can't seem to get any help from anyone. I've never really felt like a part of my department, but now that I'm disabled, it seems so much worse.

Oh god. Did I just call myself disabled? I did. Oh god. I am. I am at a point in my life that I am unreliable. I am losing friends. It's very hard for people to understand that one day I can be sunshine and go for a jog and the next day I may have to sleep for 48 hours. I also don't want to be too far away from home, just in case something happens. Basically, I'm becoming a hermit.

I am venting. I know this seems incredibly negative and frustrating, but I still hold on to the hope that things will come back to normal. and turn around. I hope to find a job that I can telecommute part time for. I can likely be onsite most days, but some days I will just need to be at home. I want a job where I can be creative and feel a purpose in life. I also need something where I can still attend doctors meetings. Heck, next week I have 6 doctors appointments! I'm honestly at the point where I will do almost anything tangentially related to anything I've done before. I just want purpose again. I just want to e a contributing member of society again.

Regarding disability, I still haven't decided yet. There is such a stigma attached to disability that I might not tell a soul other than James and my doctors if I do apply. I hope no one takes offense to that, especially since I try to be open and give you a view into what it's like to have EDS. I just don't know if I'm ready to give up. I know applying for disability isn't giving up. I mean, you can even work while on it and nothing says you have to stay on it forever, but I just cannot reconcile it in my mind yet. At the same time, with not even an interview, walls being thrown up for school, and my health still not 100% stable; do I really have a choice? My hand feels partially forced.

Then again, you know what happens when I am forced into something. I fight and do the exact opposite. So guess who is applying to about 10 more jobs this week. Please. Something has to give. Someone, somewhere, has to see what an awesome dedicated employee I would be, right? And this EDS has to get better, right? And I have to find a normal sleeping schedule, right? Things have to level out soon, right? RIGHT? Damn right.